For as long as I could remember I always felt like I have an “anxious” shadow following me around. It is always there, from the second I wake up to the second I sleep. Reminding me about all the wrong things that I have done in my life and when I finally find the will to get up, it reminds me of all the things that will most probably happen today.
On some days, that negative energy makes me feel like I cannot get out of bed and I end up staying a whole day in bed. For most days, I try and fight it and force myself out of bed. In this case, I would suggest putting on your favourite songs and heading straight to the shower so that you can feel fresh and ready to start the day.
Unfortunately, even if you try to start the day well by showering or doing your favourite activities, that shadow is still there. Whenever I look in the mirror, after doing my hair or make up I hear this shadow questioning whether or not I did my hair and make up correct or if what I am wearing matches or suites me.
Sometimes I try and trick myself by saying that I left the “shadow” at home. As much as I want to believe that, I still end up finding it near me wherever I go. It is constantly there reminding me how weird I am in front of people, whether I said hello or bye correctly or making me believe that everybody is staring at me and commenting about me.
It is easy taking medication because that shadow will be gone for a while but after the effects of the pill wear off, that shadow appears again. I usually feel worse after taking medication for the only reason that I feel I was not strong enough to fight it on my own. That I needed help from a tiny pill to make my demons go away.
What I learnt from all of this is that unfortunately the shadow will be there for most of my life; however, I have come to terms with the fact that it is ok to have a bad day. To want to stay in bed. The most important thing is that out of the 7 days in a week, you get up for at least 5 of those days. Keep in mind that you control everything, even if there is a shadow constantly throwing negative comments at your way.
I also learnt that it is ok to take medication. Taking medication does not mean you are weak, it means that you want to fight and have a better day, so once in a while, when you really need your medication, tell yourself that it is fine and that you are strong for simply getting out of bed that morning. My only suggestion is to not depend on your medication, since YOU are the one who has the power to get out of bed and I strongly believe that YOU have the power to overcome this demon.